Wed, Feb. 16th, 2005, 03:32 pm
so these picture are a bit old, but none the less fun.
The Bic gang.
fun with snow, this was at the first of winter term.
fun in plastic bags
..we almost went ice skating... except i guess when it snows... they have to shut down... good busniess... i think not.
the snow fights
Tue, Feb. 8th, 2005, 09:44 pm
All he asked me was "You really love her don't you?" And now its all i can think about. I said "yes", and i meant yes. I do love her, but i messed up. i lost so much, by ruining our friendship. I've always been told i need to learn to do things on my own, but i messed up when i withdrew myself from the world outside Ashland. I needed to focus on myself, but i didn't realize that i would be doing this to relationships. I know i can't always understand how anyone else is feeling... but when i get so fucking upset and can't do anything its room for concern. I hate this, I hate feeling so guilty and hurt. i know i deserve it. I deserve to die, and i should prolly be the one to do it.
I'm scared that this time, I lose. g'night to those who will still care and read this.
Aaron: " I so made this"
Sun, Feb. 6th, 2005, 11:24 pm
This evening on the night of the 6th I toke( talk ) to you from inside my dorm room. Tonight after much stress and tension i release. I give in to the satisfaction that is intoxication, but i was at the end of the barrel my friend. It was so bad that the dub i purchased friday was almost at its end. I quickly green tipped one Newport cigarette to save for right before class tomorrow ( note to self you have class tomorrow morning, and you have a green-tipped cigarette) so Crystal passes me her traveler and i become well aware that though the bowl may be small i must conserve. So I reached for the jar that i had discarded my tobbacco in and sprinkled some on top. Laugh as you will but it is well worth the effort. For the nicotine and i have long been parted and the extra hit was noticed. It just occured to me that i might be trying to hard to sound sophisticated. I will return after a cigarette break.
I was proud that I myself did not have a cigarette. I did have a drag, but only one. hmm, south park is on and distracking me. I am also craving the pasta salad that i made ( courtesy of my grandma for ingredients and megan for the recipe) ( note to self, don't talk about your grandma in your entries)anyway, I would like to retire this entry. this entries idea was brought to you because of my roomie. have a nice night to whom ever may read this.
So, you'd like to know about my life huh? Well how's about this; today i almost fought a brick wall, moments away- my fist and that wall. What force came between us is unknown to me. I worry a force is calming me from the truth of my own self worth. I am too selfish and demanding and worthless, i am nothingness be alone ye animal away! I die here, every night, on my bed as i sleep alone. Your name i yodel in my mind, it echos on for weeks. " allow me to hold you for a moment my love', but you always run away."
I could so easily jump out the balcony of this cell of worth. "Three high hope I could fly". Test my fate, my faith, my patience all of which i have little. Damned from the start i see. So often used, forsaken excuse. Let me ride away from these lights of time, these structures and pains. I"ll bend back no further for you. G'night meant no more, I thought you knew that. No 3 is enough , no really 4 is fine no more , ok ok 5 is too much no more, man 6 i'm done for real now bye. And all i can say today is why did i hold back, was that my fate." I hate my life.
kites are in no way higher than me at the moment. I spent a long time in the hall discussing the importance of me getting a balloon and remembering quotes, and procrastinating and something else that would have solved the worlds mysteries, but it is gone. as are many other things gone, dead, dead. away with this disease of sadness, i hate what you make me become. That out burst, a misfire indeed. I hate myself. If I weren't high i would not want to leave so much to yak and enjoy this code red mt dew. g'day for it is the start of my life again.
Things that i must require no one ever try : Playing " would you rather" when the question contains things like. "would you rather fuck an animal or a baby?" or " fuck a baby or die" , " fuck a live baby or a dead baby" , " fuck a dead person'fresh' or up the ass by a donkey", " donkey up the ass or you fuck a baby" and so on FOREVER about Zach choosing babies over animals, its just an opinion and its not always worse just because thats what you think.
note two don't hassle a friend smoker about the fact that they don't really inhale their cigarettes when they smoke.
Ugh, high or not rushing to tacobell before the 1 am drive thru closes ( note i think its sad that people need to rush places at 1am) to get food.
and now, i am postponing going to bed to sleep before my 10am class and then a meeting, and then the rest of the day with math , band, and work ugh. fuck tomorrow.. which has already begun two hours ago. G'night, and top of the morning to ya.
Tue, Feb. 1st, 2005, 05:30 pm
I feel so alone. I am reaching out to everyone miles away from me. I can't seem to really connect to people here, not as much as i feel i need, or maybe i am not allowing myself because i can really feel the people " close to me" - in heart not in distance - drifting away, and i don't want that. Man that was really confusing but i hope you follow. I want to go home this weekend, but I am only just aware that it is Super bowl weekend meaning many things. such that traffic will be a bitch and i prolly wouldn't want to watch the whole super bowl and then drive hours home. and i dunno if i should go all the way home, or what. I know that my roomie and her friend- the main people i hang out with here will be gone for the whole weekend. that more than anything makes me want to leave for a few days, i feel i will get to depressed and confined this weekend if i am alone here. I miss more than anything sleeping next to someone, feeling wanted and needed , and loved. I am so lonely and im sorry to everyone i've hurt because i have tried to root myself emotionally here, and i haven't. i have to eat, and then i have to work. good bye.
I haven't updated in a while. I'm tired, I'm lonely, I'm depressed, sick, apathetic, and bored. I quit smoking cigarettes, I quit felling dependant, I quit feeling alone, I quit felling alive. I'm high right now and i don't have much desire to stay at this computer long. I only started writing a new entry because of my reflection of my own pathetic journal. Let it be know my life is not as boring as my LJ portrays, I am not entirely a stoner loser. I am doing well in school and i am not " high all the time" and I've realized that I actually don't hurt everyone in my life. Good night to everyone.
-" Mad World"-
All around me are familiar faces,
worn out places, worn out faces,
Bright and early for their daily races,
going nowhere, going nowhere,
And their tears are filling up their glasses,
no expression, no expression,
Hide my head, I want to drown my sorrow,
no tomorrow, no tomorrow,
And I find it kind of funny,
I find it kind of sad,
The dreams in which I'm dying
are the best I've ever had.
I find it hard to tell you,
cause I find it hard to take,
when people run in circles,
it's a very, very
Mad World mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel good,
Happy birthday, happy birthday,
Made to feel the way that every child should
sit and listen, sit and listen.
Went to school and I was very nervous,
No one knew me, no one knew me,
Hello teacher, tell me what's my lesson,
look right through me, look right through me